


Old Man Sex as Written by a Lesbian

by Gia_my_roommate



Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [6]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Elias is drunk, Explicit Sexual Content, Jon did not want to hear this statement, M/M, Peter Lukas is a simp, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate
Summary: Statement of a drunk as shit Elias Bouchard about his sex life with Peter Lukas.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas
Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729438
Comments: 21
Kudos: 77





	Old Man Sex as Written by a Lesbian

“Statement of Elias B-B-Bouka-Pikard?” Elias tilted his head in confusion. 

“Elias, please, I really don’t need or want your statement on this issue.” Jon said, looking around for Daisy and Martin, who had abandoned him. 

“Statement of Elias Magnus regarding the divorce of Peter Lukas and sub-sequential re-marriage! Stasis begins!”

“Statement begins.” Jon sighed, already aware escape was now impossible.

. . .

Peter had been gone at sea for an entire year, and Elias did not miss Peter one bit.

Elias was thinking about how he did not miss Peter Lukas one bit when he Saw Peter arriving at a port in London.

Naturally, he decided to go meet Peter at the docks to express how much he did not miss his ex-husband.

Elias did not run into Peter’s arms upon seeing him, did not wrap his arms around Peter like his life depended on it, nor did he say anything similar to the words “I love you.” 

. . .

“Funny, I recall all of those things happening.” Peter hummed from under Elias.

“Peter I am giving the stat-statement not you. Shut up or I’ll divorce you again.” Elias threatened from Peter’s lap. “Now where was I?”

Jon saw Martin grabbing a drink at the bar. 

Jon tried to wave him down but Martin only mouthed “I’m sorry.”

“Oh yes! I remember now!” Elias continued on with his story. 

. . .

Elias and Peter went back to Elias’s flat.

Upon entry, Peter immediately tore open Elias’s shirt sending the buttons scattering across the floor.

“Oh cuddle-bug, someone’s acting like a feral beast in heat right now.” Elias gasped as Peter messily kissed his cold pale chest.

Peter growled, turning his attack to Elias’s lips.

The two men stripped as they made their way to the bedroom, throwing the articles of clothing on the ground as they went.

Peter threw a naked Elias on the bed.

“When this is over,” Elias panted as Peter mounted him “what are you going to buy me?”

Peter inserted his dick into’s Elias’s all seeing butt hole.

“A new suit,” he grunted as he pushed inwards, Elias moaned out with pleasure.

They did not use any form of lubricant, nor did they use love and trust.

Peter had permanent swamp dick, so his penis was always slippery enough to fit into Elias’s asshole.

“What kind?” Elias cried out with pleasure.

“Tailored!” Peter shouted, pushing in again.

Elias cried out with pleasure and Peter took his dick out, as their sexual routine dictated. It was two pumps and done.

Peter swatted at Elias’s balls like a cat.

Elias went to do the same when he noticed Peter was missing a ball.

. . .

“Elias, I will willingly start the apocalypse if you stop. I will wear the watchers crown right now.” Jon pleaded, Elias choose to ignore him.   
. . .

“What the hell happened to your balls?” Elias asked, still rather turned on.

“I cut one off, because there were two of them right next to each other they weren’t lonely enough.” Peter said and Elias nodded with understanding before grabbing Peter’s dick.

Peter moaned with pleasure, as men do when their penises are touched in any way.

Elias began to tickle Peter’s penis, making him cum. 

Peter, in response, began to tickle Elias’s nipples.

Elias felt great joy in this, but did not cum just yet as there was one more step in their routine.

Elias began to cry into Peter’s cock, telling it all about the horrible things he has done and seen.

After an hour of that Elias finally came. 

“And that’s why they call me P.P Lukas.” Peter grinned.  
. . .

“P.P Lukas, because his Peepee is so big, but it’s so big it isn’t a peepee, it’s a cock!” Elias laughed, the drunken Peter under him joining in.

“Martin! Call an ambulance!” Jon shouted 

“What? Why?” Martin asked, his question was answered with Jon plunging a knife into one of his own eyes.


End file.
